Mother-to-this-child

Since Coco’s birth, I have done a lot of thinking about an article that I read over a year and a half ago. Written Dorothy Lee, a well-known cultural anthropologist from the 1960’s-70’s, the essay is entitled “To Be or Not to Be—Notes on the Meaning of Maternity.” In the article, Lee advocates that “maternity is a relationship,” and that when we decide to bring a child into the world, or adopt one for that matter, we have decided to not just add another child to the mix of parenting. Rather, we decide to be “mother-to-this-child,” that each relationship with each child is special, important, and irreplaceable.


Lee specifically states,

“When this is recognized, the mother is helped to sense the particularity of her child, and the peculiar flavor, the peculiar quality of the relationship that she can have with each child. It is good to ‘have children,’ it is good to see one’s self as the mother of children, but it is also necessary, I think, to recognize and to develop the relationship that greets personally the individuality of each child.”

Essentially, when we become mother to another child, in a sense we are reborn in that relationship with another human being. I am a new mother to each new child.

I believe there is so much merit to this. When I contemplate on the various stages of my mothering I consider how telling it is that some of my most difficult stages came when I allowed myself to just “go through the motions,” and didn’t savor the particular relationship I have with each child. It seems so easy to allow myself to get run over by the machine of day-to-day living, and this can overtake the inherent joys that lay beneath the surface. In contrast, the times I gave myself the privilege to put aside the things that really didn’t matter—the checklists, the unbelievable expectations that modern society places on us as mothers, and some of the mundane requirements of keeping house—then I really, thoroughly, enjoyed my experience as a mom.

In light of remembering some of these truths, becoming Coco’s mother has been a beautiful rebirth for me. I feel like this time around I am wiser in my approach, in my expectations. If anything, I am loving the chance to savor her very essence, her personality, and the mystery of all that she is now and will become in the future. . .

And so, with that in mind, here is a short salute to the exquisite rarity that is each of my children:

To the Big-O:

My spiritual giant, who already eagerly seeks learning by study and also by faith. I adore his wisdom, for he teaches me much about what is really means to be a humanitarian.

To Bitty:

Whose capacity to love constantly takes me by surprise, especially when he loves me wholeheartedly in spite of my weakness. And, who invariably can find the funny embedded everywhere.

To the Sass:

The little girl whose passion for life mirrors my own. I cherish my chance to have a daughter whose personality I enjoy so much now, I would have chosen her as a friend in adulthood.

To Coco:

We considered naming her Serena, which would have been appropriate for her personality. She brings great tranquility to my heart, and to our family.

May we all cherish the mystery of the individual.