Burps, Bumps, Bruises and Blessings: 3/21/10

Do any of you out there ever feel like a loser--specifically a loser parent?

That's how I felt last night. Just when there's a part of me that thinks I have actually found a balance in things, inevitably I do something that completely throws off that equilibrium and then I decide that I really don't know anything about anything.

Last night was one of those times. I had a good friend over and as most kids do, my children thought "awesome, Mom is distracted," and decided to start doing things they knew specifically they shouldn't. I was no happy camper, and handled things poorly, which snowballed into an inordinately long timeout, and then a tense dinnertime where my kids continued to protest by claiming they were going to throw up if they had to eat what I had worked long and hard on.

This didn't go over well either, which then steamrolled into the inevitable "I guess you don't need to eat dessert then . . ." Big-O was especially upset, informing me that I was a "mean mom" and that I was "making [him] feel bad." This led to a seriously pathetic discussion about agency, which meant he wanted to discuss the situation even less. Why I was surprised later that he chose to pantry-raid (b/c he was hungry, of course) is beyond my current understanding . . .

Do you get the picture? By the end of the evening I retreated to my room alone with the baby and tried to just stop. Just stop. Waking up this morning I felt even worse and couldn't turn off the tears. I felt such regret over how I made my kids feel, and at how far I fell short of being the kind of mother I'd like to be . . . And, as most of you can guess, when mommasita cries a lot, it really doesn't help things. Even the baby's eyes got big and uneasy at this pathetic display of helplessness.

I hate days like this. Granted, I can actually write it about it now at 3:46 p.m. because I have sufficiently stabilized to at least see the computer screen. But seriously, thse are the moments I wonder if I should have ever become a mother--not because I don't enjoy my kids, though. I love that part, and feel blessed to be a part of their lives. The part of me that questions, however, is the part that used to fear myself enough that I questioned what kind of a mother I would become.

All of us have our own personal blindspots--heaven knows I have mine. Just ask my siblings. Having said that, when it came to wondering whether or not I had the kind of spiritual, physical, and emotional capacity necessary to successfully raise children, as a young adult I was keenly aware of my shortcomings and winced when I considered what I could possibly put a child through. This fear was so intense I recall telling Pearly-Q for the first few years of my marriage I really had no desire to become a mother . . . It's hard to imagine that now. Then again, on days like today all that emotional memory creeps up from behind and strangles me, leaving me gasping for air.

I'm sure this sounds so extreme, but for me it has been a defining part of who I am. I laugh to consider how often we assure ourselves that we do not need certain experiences to accomplish what we need to in this life--only to find that those are the exact experiences God intends us to learn from. I am grateful He chose to override my own fear and allow me the challenges presented by motherhood. It doesn't change how terrifying it is for me sometimes, but it does allow for certain rays of light my children present me despite my weakness.

Case in point: yesterday when I sat the kids down and asked whether or not they understood why they'd been subjected to a monster time-out, (we reviewed and they nodded an obedient "yes"), I then asked them if there was anything they needed to say. Whey Bitty stood up to reply, I fully expected an apology. Instead, he leaned forward, wrapped his arms around me, and said, "I forgive you, Mom. I love you so much," and then he sat and held me.

And in that moment, I considered myself so lucky to have children who believe in me even when I don't believe in myself.

Okay, so before delving into the everyday existence of being a mother of four little ones, I wanted to take one last glance backward at the heavenly experience I had in Asia. (Again, so sorry that this is so much later in coming than I'd originally anticipated).

Most of you could probably care less about most of what I describe in my travel over there. I think I'm doing this more for me to remember on the more monotonous days that I have actually been places and seen things besides my piles of laundry and the time-out chair.

Don't get me wrong--I am currently in a very happy space and am extremely grateful that I can be home raising my children. It's just I also happen to be a mother who also has an intense case of Wanderlust, and adores the idea of a grand adventure. Perhaps there are some of you who can relate?

In any case, I hope that some of this proves valuable/entertaining. At the very least, I hope it inspires some of you to dream of seeing parts of the world you may have never thought possible.

So, the temples at Angkor Wat were amazing and completely surpassed my expectations. The largest religious structure in the world, Angkor Wat was incredibly impressive and none of these pictures of that monument, or any others will give a enough of a perspective of the sheer size or artistic majesty of the thing. It was amazing . . . even if I was dripping with sweat the entire time.

Here Pearly-Q and I are standing by one of the outer walls to the main temple, the entire perimeter of which contains friezes of the entire Ramayana, the famous Hindu epic. There's a better close up of just a small section below.

These are typical carvings found throughout Angkor Wat. They are called Apsara, or Celestial dancers:

Inside the main temple complex:

A typical Cambodian wedding outside of Angkor:

Angkor Thom:

Pearly-Q has some competition:

This little girl fell asleep in the doorway of these ruins, and in the sweltering heat. She killed me b/c she reminded SO much of the Sass!

This kiddo was enterprising and made his own hat out of leaves.

Harvesting rice:

Fishing purely Cambodia style. These use these special cylindrical baskets to trap fish in the muddy rice fields. I felt like I was in the middle of a scene from National Geographic.

Two typical grandmas in the care of their large family.

These are some pictures from a floating village of about 3000 people that all live out on Tonle Sap Lake. It is a fascinating way of life. All their homes, schools, churches, and even the local gym are located out on the lake. They use the same water for the bathroom, drinking, and fishing.

These little "boats" are a typical sight in the floating village. Notice the boy on the left--he's an amputee--something you see a lot of in Cambodia due to the overwhelming number of land mines left throughout the country since the Vietnam war.

One of the things I enjoy most about travelling now that I'm a parent is how I now notice other mothers and what it is like for them to be raising children in their own particular corners of the world. It's strange for me to think about how little I noticed of it before, but scenes like these astound me now. I can't imagine trying to raise little ones from the hull of a boat, or trying to breastfeed while bailing my boat. Whoa.

Here are some scenes from a huge field of lotuses that we came upon at sunset. Breathtaking.

Here you can see the little hut and family that live in the middle of all these lotuses:

Isn't she just the most darling little mother? She had a great connection with her two little daughters.

These are a fun thing unique to Southeast Asia: a natural pedicure. These fish like to eat dead skin. So, stick your feet in the water with them, and a 1/2 hour later--voila! Hope you're not too grossed out by my feet.

Our last day in Cambodia we got to attend church. The people there were amazing. Here's the daughter of the local congregational leader there: Chetana. Her name means "One with great purpose." I'd have to concur. She's one of the most beautiful and bright women I've ever met. Her English was impeccable!

The young women there at church:

On to China! Here a view of the unbelievable skyline of Hong Kong!

Enjoying the craziness with our new wigs:

It was SO good to be surrounded by Chinese again. I was surprised to hear so much Mandarin. I was expecting mostly Cantonese, so when I could actually understand and speak with everyone it was such an unexpected treat. Apparently people from the mainland have been emigrating to Hong Kong by the droves. No wonder.

Fish anyone?

We visited cultural center on Hainan that is similar to the PCC, but for local Chinese ethnic groups in the area. Pearly-Q enters into a surprise marriage with a local girl. Leave it to my husband to be a willing participant. None of the Chinese men would volunteer, so Pearly-Q got the privilege of doing it with language barrier and all. I could not stop laughing.