Mesmerized

Ever since Coco was born I have been fascinated by something that has occupied my time with her more than any other activity—I call it the “newborn stare.” Known to new parents everywhere, the newborn stare is more powerful than any addictive drug, and will completely deplete all your time. I am constantly struck by how easily the hours will tick by as one is completely entranced by the precious gaze of one’s newborn baby, without any remote desire to do anything else in the whole wide world. It is as though the world stops altogether, and all you care about is that miraculous moment in eternity. The reason for this, I believe is because one feels that he/she is staring into the eyes of Heaven itself.

I know this sounds dramatic, but it really is true. Whenever I gaze at Cosette’s sweet face, (or whenever I gazed at any of my new babies, for that matter), I feel so close to my Creator. They represent all that is sweet, pure, and innocent in this world, and being locked in their gaze feels sacred, like the purest form of worship. Often I believe this is because these little spirits are so freshly delivered from the Lord Himself, and that being close to them, being in their presence, reminds us of being in His.

I am adoring this experience, and wish that I could hold onto it forever. Perhaps that is why so many new mothers express what seems an irrational, but quite common desire: to have at least a dozen more of these precious little newborns. You would think that having one to take care of in the middle of the night would cure you of your desire to bring more into the world—at least immediately, anyway. On the contrary, however, their absolute innocence makes you hope beyond all hoping that this feeling will never, ever end. If only I could claim ignorance in thinking that it won’t. Unfortunately, after having three other babies I already know better.

In the meantime, I suppose all I can do is try to be as present in the moment as possible--which means that I’d better get back to my staring.