Baby #4's Pregnancy

Note: The baby was born two days ago on the 20th at 8:28 p.m. However, I wrote this post several days before and wanted to share it before we post all the details about the birth along with pictures here soon---

I have long disallowed myself the opportunity of actually sitting down to write about my experiences in the last while. It seems like it’s not a luxury I can always afford myself since there has been so much to prepare and get ready in anticipation of this next baby’s birth. Even though I’m coming up to the end of this baby’s time in utero, I can still hardly believe that we’re about to have another child.

Today Bitty asked with desperation if he could look at some pictures of himself when he was a baby. After getting his practicing done, I obliged, rummaging through the pathetically organized stack of photographs in our chest in the family room. I came across not only pictures of him, but Big-O and Sassy as infants as well. So adorable, and so tiny! I know I’m literally around the corner from holding another one (even one of my own) in my arms again, and yet I can hardly believe it. It seems like sometimes I’m just barely getting a hold upon how to take care of the three kids I have—keeping up with their activities, figuring out what kind of parenting/discipline they need, and juggling individual time with each of them. How I’m going to balance everything with a newborn, I simply have no idea. I think I’m really just proceeding forward on not much more than faith.

Having said all that, I must say that I have been amazed by how much more connected I have felt to this baby than I have the others in the past. I know a large measure of it has been a result of all the extra tests & ultrasounds we’ve had as a result of my extra amniotic fluid and her enlarged bowel. They’ve given us some amazing looks at her, and already I can see her resemblance to Sassy. She has fat cheeks, full lips, and a lot of hair. With all the extra fluid, she moves A TON! I am not remotely joking when I say that if feels like she often rearranges my insides. The evenings are by far her most active period, where I can not only feel her kicking under my ribs on my right side (she’s given me an internal bruise there), but I can at the same time feel her moving around down in my crotch, as well as other parts of my belly. Sometimes during these evenings, I am amazed at how much my belly resembles moving jello, so much so that a person can literally see it from across the room. She reacts to loud noises a lot. (I literally jumped out of my seat when we went to watch Star Trek). I’ve noticed that she really responds to voices, particularly Dad’s as we talk after putting the kids down for bed. Already, I feel like I have a sense of her bright personality, and I am excited to become better acquainted with her.

In talking to the Pearl (a.k.a. Dad) recently, I commented to him that it is crazy to think that this child that we hardly know will soon become yet another center of our universe, a child with whom we are desperately in love and eager to love and protect. I look at how much I adore my kids and it’s amazing to think how the human heart is capable of loving each additional child with just as much fervor. I feel so extremely blessed to be able to become a mother again, and hope that somehow I will be able to ably meet the challenges inherent to having four children ages five and under. Sometimes I feel so weak and inadequate. In truth, I have never appreciated the grace of the Savior more than in my mothering. I simply could never do this with Him and the reassurance that I can be forgiven for all my crazy mistakes I make as a wife and mother--on what literally feels like an hourly basis.