Laoshi

The word "laoshi," (pronounced lao-sure) is the romanized version of the Chinese word for teacher, an incredibly respected and beloved term in their language. Were you to visit China, rather than seeing athletes on billboards sponsoring a product, you would instead observe photographs of well-known professors. To the Chinese people, the regard for educators hearkens back literally thousands of years--something our materialistically-driven cultural could definitely learn from. For our family, the word also holds reverential meaning, as the laoshi for my children has made all the difference in our world.

When I first met Laoshi 2 1/2 years ago, I immediately liked her. Bright, kind, happy, and unassuming, she felt like the perfect person to assist me in my goal of helping my children learn Mandarin. Knowing full well the limits of my own ability to shoulder the reponsibility alone, we quickly arranged for visits three times a week to her home (which is just several minutes away from mine).

Quickly we became friends, and I learned that she moved here from Taiwan 20+ years ago (where she had previously been a kindergarten teacher), and she married a long-time resident of what used to be our "little" town, and then started a family. Unbeknownst to me, I was just beginning my mommy burnout, and the chance to regularly meet with someone and witness a part of myself steadily improving (my language ability), rather than rapidly declining, meant more than I explain.

Each week we drove to her house, and I began to let my hair down as I watched her engage my children in singing, dancing, and playing in this wonderful language. Gradually it gave me permission to play with my kids in a way I hadn't allowed myself at home. (Can you believe I had never played hide-and-go-seek with my kids before I met her? Pathetic.) For whatever reason, pulling away the distractions of laundry, dishes, and cleaning, and placing me in an environment where the whole point was to involve my children in a lighthearted atmosphere in order to learn, allowed me to finally relax and enjoy my kids in a way I hadn't before.

As the months passed, and I began to hear more and more Chinese expressions escape my children's lips, I also discovered how Laoshi's quiet, genteel approach to living affected my soul. Surrounded by horses on own side, cattle on the other, with a large garden and chickens in the backyard, Laoshi lives peacefully. Whenever we enter her home, there is a calmness that I love. I never hear television, radio, or other distractions that get in the way. As part of this, she also has a love for children that is tangible. Her patient understanding of how they think, why they behave the way they do, and how easily they respond to her authenticity moves me, and over the years I have taken quiet notes as to how she approaches her own mothering. Interestingly enough, she also has four children of her own, now ranging in ages from 19 to 11--two boys and two girls--just like me. Each one of her kids is amazing, and I take pleasure in observing how much she savors the opportunity to be their mother.

Thankfully for us, sometimes this spills out in her devotion to our family. Without equivocation, I can proudly say that she is a second mother to my children. (Just the other day, when Sassy got in trouble she sobbed and cried out, "I want Laoshi!" Meanwhile, you should see how the baby lights up like a Christmas tree in her presence.) I relish in the fact that they adore her so much because her uplifting influence on their lives bolsters mine. How many people do any of us know who truly has no guile?

When at look back on my relationship with Laoshi, I often consider the phrase "hindsight is 20/20." Uttered so often, it can lose some of its significance, and yet I feel like it describes so much of my experience up to this point of my life. As I look back upon being guided to Laoshi, I feel more gratitude than I will ever be able to convey to either Diety or human being. Though I initially believed I had acquired a wonderful teacher for my children to learn a language, I now realize that in all actuality Laoshi has been graciously willing to become my teacher.

May God always bless her for being my angel. We love you so much, Laoshi! Xie xie ni!

Ni Hao

This picture was taken last year at Disneyworld's Epcot Center with MuLan. My kids have only seen that movie in Chinese (many times over, to be honest), and naturally assumed that she would only be able to speak Chinese. (She is Chinese, after all). You can only imagine the look on her face with my three little caucasian children busted out in Mandarin. It made my heart swell with pride.

As most of you familiar with our family know, I am one of those curious mothers who insists are her children sometimes doing strange things. Depending on the day, some would say the constant drive to feed my children fresh vegetables would be enough to qualify for the title, "off-her-rocker." But no, it gets even more bizarre. I have decided that I want my children to learn a foreign language, Mandarin Chinese to be exact.

Now why in the world would a mother of small children ever have the desire to do something like that?

Explanation:

Well, there are a myriad of different pieces that answer this question, actually--the least of which includes the amazing experience Pearly-Q had with learning Spanish as a preschooler. That has, I believe, resulted in his insane ability to pick up foreign languages like nobody's business. (And his accents are awesome, I might add . . . His Chinese sounds better than mine).

Combine this with the enormous gift it is for anyone to speak a foreign language and expand their perception of the world, along with the uncanny ability young children have to pick up any foreign tongue when exposed to it, and voila--thus enters into this momma's heart an ardent desire for her children to learn another language.

Incidentally, Chinese turned out to be the language of choice b/c I actually speak it . . . Kids progress much better the more someone speaks to them consistently in the foreign tongue, so I figured we'd better stick with what I knew. That aside, who can fault Mandarin for being an incredibly & important language? Since my LDS mission I have more opportunities to speak it than anyone would ever occasion to guess.

These are the answers I give initially others whenever I get the funny looks about why in the world I would do something like this with my kids . . . all incredibly viable and important reasons that I stand by these 2 1/2 years laters since embarking on this journey. Funny thing is, now that hindsight becomes clearer, I understand so much more about why I felt so compelled to do this. There is much I have to say about this, and I will continue blogging about this tomorrow, because it has much to do with the peace I have found in my life. In the meantime, jia you and zaijian!

Five Months

Who can resist a roly-poly baby girl who lights up like a Christmas tree every time you even glance her direction?

One who loves to carry on with thunderous, squealy discussions and who enjoys to creating her own unique piglet-like grunting noises?

Whose sapphire baby blues are mesmerizingly pure, and her squishy flesh absolutely delicious. (I know . . . I've tested).

I can't. That's for dang sure.

Consider me officially wrapped around her little finger. . .

Willingly.

By the way, can you tell we're finally over the bias of not smiling for the camera. I think she's figured out it is actually friend, not foe.

The Evolution of a Mother

Snapshots of the Big-O and me taken on the morning of my law school graduation.

"To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy not rich, to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly, to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages . . . with open heart; to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasion, hurry never.

"In a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconsious, grow up through the common. This should be one's symphony."

--W.H. Channing

Twelve years ago, at the outset of my LDS mission to Taiwan, I wrote this wonderful quote in the opening folds of a beautiful, leatherbound journal someone had given me. The journal accompanied me everywhere on my mission--through the rain and blazing heat of that island, and through the ups and downs of one of the most pivotal experiences of my life. For whatever reason at the time, Channing's words really resonated with me, and each time I read those words it would cause me to reflect upon what really brought me happiness. It is now interesting for me to consider just how much those words would most powerfully apply to my mission as a mother.

For those of you who know me well, you will also know that mothering for me has brought with it some exultant peaks, and it has also delivered some difficult days of paralyzing darkness. Ushered in with the incomparable miracle of Big-O's remarkable adoption, I was only six weeks away from graduating from law school. Thrilled to have this experience, I rejoiced at the blessing of having the chance to embrace such a beautiful little baby, and though I wrestled with how I was now going to make things work with my new career and my new role as a mother, I felt confident that I would be able to figure something out. After all, I'd felt strongly that I had been guided into the path of pursuing law school, so it seemed to make sense that all of this would synchronize in a way that would make sense.

Well, as the story goes, I became one of those bizarre adoption statistics--where adopting a baby also invites a miracle of conception along with it. Just three months after we'd adopted Big-O, and as I was studying for the bar exam, I couldn't understand why in the world I was feeling such intense stomach cramps. After a couple dollar-store pregnancy tests, and a doctor's confirmation, we realized that I was really pregnant.

It's difficult to explain what I felt at that point . . . I felt both guilt for worrying that our darling adopted son would be shortchanged with individual attention from us, as well as relief for the fact that he would indeed experience the blessing of a sibling . . . I felt great marvel and wonder at the miracle of a previously long-awaited conception, as well being overwhelmed at the thought of having tiny two babies to take care of all at once. I felt both thankful, and bewildered. Between these emotions, the stress of studying for the bar in the midst of caring for a newborn, and the hormones of pregnancy, I cried every night for a month. (Poor Pearly-Q.)

Suffice it to say, I did pass the bar, got sworn in with many of my law school classmates who were more than shocked at my new bump, and faced the oncoming storm. At the encouragement of a wonderful law school professor who became my mentor, I made efforts to pursue personal legal work in estate planning, (I know--useful, but boring), while caring for our son. Soon after, little Bitty was born, and my life was once again transformed. Unfortunately for me, beyond just discovering another little person who would become another center of my universe, I also faced the most horrific recovery (including raging insomnia) that led me down a path of ill health that continued for well over a year, further complicating my abilities to pursue the career path I'd originally intended.

And the story gets more crazy . . . 10 months postpartum I went into a checkup with my fertility doc to try to understand why I was having all sorts of unexplained bleeding. Turns out, my infertility issues appeared to be getting worse, and he recommended that if Pearly-Q and I wanted another child, we'd better try soon since our window seemed to be disappearing . . . I cried all the way home from the appointment. Yet, we couldn't deny that we felt like we needed to have another child, and that in the long-term picture we really wanted another child, and so . . . our darling Sass showed up 10 months after that.

Are you getting the picture? It seems like overnight we went from facing complete uncertainty over whether or not we would be able to experience the blessing of parenthood, to facing life with three children, age 2 and under. . .

I guess its no wonder that right before Sassy turned a year old, I hit a serious wall. It seems that the giant adrenaline rush that I'd experienced since adopting the Big-O finally gave out, and was left with unbelievable exhaustion, and what felt like a complete loss of identity. . . I cringe to think about it now, because it was just that bad. Looking back I think I was probably depressed, and thankfully I did seek out help. Between seeing a counselor, and searching desperately for divine help and guidance, (which often manifested itself in the form of many ministering angelic friends), I gradually climbed out of the cave I had fallen into.

Suffice it to say, many miracles led Pearly-Q and I to the pivotal decision to have another baby. It was no flippant matter, I tell you, to decide to take the plunge again. In fact, it required complete and total surrender on my part.

Uncertain of my own capacities unlike any other time in my life, I moved forward with faith, and one step at a time, I gradually stripped away all the excesses in my life that I could, trying to include things that would add more to who I was as a person--I decided to give birth naturally (in the face of great familial disdain), I put my joyless legal career officially on hold (a true sign of failure to many that I know), I decided to write (both for causes that I believe in and for my own introspection), and--heaven forbid--I even allowed myself to nap every day when my children did (while my household duties lay continually fallow)! With every effort to simplify, I became increasingly determined to savor what I thought may be my last experience with a baby. In short, I made room for the essential quiet space in my life, and this has made all the difference in my experience as a mother.

Recently for my book club, someone suggested that we read a book entitled Mitten Strings for God--Reflections for Mothers in a Hurry, by Katrina Kenison. (I cannot say enough about how much I recommend it as a vital read for every mother that I know.) The book resonated with me on so many different levels, and yet it did so mostly because much of what the author discusses were truths that I had discovered on my path back to joyful mothering. Here are some golden nugget examples, courtesy of the author who is much more able to express much of what I have felt in this last year, and especially since Coco's birth:

"When I clear a quiet space for my family, I make room for our souls to grow."

"When I stop speeding through life, I find the joy in each day's doings, in the life that cannot be bought, but only discovered, created, savored, and lived."

"In stillness, we find our peace. Knowing peace at home, we bring peace into the world."

"In simplicity there is freedom--freedom to do less and to enjoy more."

To say that I have enjoyed this stage of my mothering would be a serious understatement. The kind of soulful transformation I have felt cannot be conveyed, and I cannot express enough gratitude for the change.

It's strange because I often look back at who I was at the height of my "mommy burnout" and I hardly recognize the feelings that I had then. It pains me to think of what I put my husband and children through, and I find it ironically easy to judge how shortsighted I was during that time, (even when this same kind of judgment infuriated me beyond measure during that very stage of my life).

I suppose the best way I can reconcile it is this: I believe that facing those demons allowed me to savor this period of my life that much more. Like a chiaroscuro painting, the areas of brilliant illumination would not appear as breathtaking without the contrast of the shadows behind them. The silhouette emerges when the two forces blend, allowing one to fully comprehend the presence of the other.

I feel like I have finally stepped out into the light, and I must say that I do not believe the sun could ever be more warmly welcomed. Praise be to the Lord for that.

Four Months

In light of my difficulty in returning to this blog more than once a week, I realize I have allowed Baby Coco's four-month mark to come and go without much notice . . . Shameful, b/c she is one cute baby at this stage, and I'm having so much fun with her, not to mention how much fun her siblings are having fun with her. I can't imagine feeling the kind of adoration on a daily basis that she receives around here. (No wonder little girls often have so much more confidence in themselves than grown women do.)

So, here are a few of the current milestones or items of note for Baby Coco at this point:

• She is currently in the 90th percentile for height, and 50th for weight--although you would never guess that with her thigh rolls
• She is laughing, squealing, and screeching a lot these days. She thinks she is a real riot, and we all have to agree, actually. She like to even verbally participate in Chinese class with the other kids, and makes everyone crack up at her shenanigans. I believe she speaks perfectly fluent baby Mandarin.
• Tummy time is less excruciating that it used to be. She's always had a strong neck, but now loves to look at herself in the mirror while on her belly. After about 10 minutes she starts to tucker out, though.
• The child LOVES, LOVES, LOVES to have her diaper changed. Regardless of how cranky she is, if we lay her down to change her diaper, she erupts into instant squealy smiles. I've never had a baby respond this way before.
• She's also my only child who has ever enjoyed sucking on her fingers. I constantly try to replace them with a binky, which I think is an easier habit to break long-term. . . But, to no avail. (We did see her do this via ultrasound before she was born, actually).
• Coco enjoys standing, and can do so effectively if you hold only one finger.
• She just started rice cereal last night, and though confused at first, was determined to make it work.
• After much trial and error, she is now sleeping through the night. (Hurray!) Thanks in part to a neurotic eating/sleeping schedule that gradually worked for her, this has been a blessing--especially since now she goes down without even so much as a fuss. In fact, she is visually relieved when I swaddle her to go to sleep. She nuzzles right into her lavendar polka-dotted sheet in ecstasy. It's darling.
• We're seeing a bit of stranger anxiety already. My poor mother took the kids the other night, and Coco freaked out. She hasn't spent as much time with her awesome Grammy who works full-time, and did not know what to think of her.
• She definitely has the most beautiful blue eyes that I believe are here to stay. They remind me of Bitty's eyes, which one can just get lost in, and their framed by such pretty eyelashes. I think her hair may turn out like Bitty's, too. All her curly dark hair is falling out like an old man, and is being replaced with a light, straight, downy fuzz.
• She still nuzzles into my neck and cuddles like a little bunny. Can I just say, moments like that are borderline euphoric for me? I love it.

Since all the festivities for her baby blessing took place on Sunday, I've included some pictures of Coco in her dress. Though she's a real smiler, for whatever reason cameras of any kind consternate/intrigue her so much, she goes completely deadpan. It's a real bummer because I would love to capture her joyful self. Instead it comes across much more contemplative. Oh well.

Sisters. (This was just taken yesterday. I love how sweet Sassy is with the baby. It makes me love her that much more.)

I'll have you know that I have not doctored the color of this picture in any way. (That's all WAY too sophisticated for me anyhow). Her eyes really are this blue.

Loser

Do any of you out there ever feel like a loser--specifically a loser parent?

That's how I felt last night. Just when there's a part of me that thinks I have actually found a balance in things, inevitably I do something that completely throws off that equilibrium and then I decide that I really don't know anything about anything.

Last night was one of those times. I had a good friend over and as most kids do, my children thought "awesome, Mom is distracted," and decided to start doing things they knew specifically they shouldn't. I was no happy camper, and handled things poorly, which snowballed into an inordinately long timeout, and then a tense dinnertime where my kids continued to protest by claiming they were going to throw up if they had to eat what I had worked long and hard on.

This didn't go over well either, which then steamrolled into the inevitable "I guess you don't need to eat dessert then . . ." Big-O was especially upset, informing me that I was a "mean mom" and that I was "making [him] feel bad." This led to a seriously pathetic discussion about agency, which meant he wanted to discuss the situation even less. Why I was surprised later that he chose to pantry-raid (b/c he was hungry, of course) is beyond my current understanding . . .

Do you get the picture? By the end of the evening I retreated to my room alone with the baby and tried to just stop. Just stop. Waking up this morning I felt even worse and couldn't turn off the tears. I felt such regret over how I made my kids feel, and at how far I fell short of being the kind of mother I'd like to be . . . And, as most of you can guess, when mommasita cries a lot, it really doesn't help things. Even the baby's eyes got big and uneasy at this pathetic display of helplessness.

I hate days like this. Granted, I can actually write it about it now at 3:46 p.m. because I have sufficiently stabilized to at least see the computer screen. But seriously, thse are the moments I wonder if I should have ever become a mother--not because I don't enjoy my kids, though. I love that part, and feel blessed to be a part of their lives. The part of me that questions, however, is the part that used to fear myself enough that I questioned what kind of a mother I would become.

All of us have our own personal blindspots--heaven knows I have mine. Just ask my siblings. Having said that, when it came to wondering whether or not I had the kind of spiritual, physical, and emotional capacity necessary to successfully raise children, as a young adult I was keenly aware of my shortcomings and winced when I considered what I could possibly put a child through. This fear was so intense I recall telling Pearly-Q for the first few years of my marriage I really had no desire to become a mother . . . It's hard to imagine that now. Then again, on days like today all that emotional memory creeps up from behind and strangles me, leaving me gasping for air.

I'm sure this sounds so extreme, but for me it has been a defining part of who I am. I laugh to consider how often we assure ourselves that we do not need certain experiences to accomplish what we need to in this life--only to find that those are the exact experiences God intends us to learn from. I am grateful He chose to override my own fear and allow me the challenges presented by motherhood. It doesn't change how terrifying it is for me sometimes, but it does allow for certain rays of light my children present me despite my weakness.

Case in point: yesterday when I sat the kids down and asked whether or not they understood why they'd been subjected to a monster time-out, (we reviewed and they nodded an obedient "yes"), I then asked them if there was anything they needed to say. Whey Bitty stood up to reply, I fully expected an apology. Instead, he leaned forward, wrapped his arms around me, and said, "I forgive you, Mom. I love you so much," and then he sat and held me.

And in that moment, I considered myself so lucky to have children who believe in me even when I don't believe in myself.

Last Glance Back

Okay, so before delving into the everyday existence of being a mother of four little ones, I wanted to take one last glance backward at the heavenly experience I had in Asia. (Again, so sorry that this is so much later in coming than I'd originally anticipated).

Most of you could probably care less about most of what I describe in my travel over there. I think I'm doing this more for me to remember on the more monotonous days that I have actually been places and seen things besides my piles of laundry and the time-out chair.

Don't get me wrong--I am currently in a very happy space and am extremely grateful that I can be home raising my children. It's just I also happen to be a mother who also has an intense case of Wanderlust, and adores the idea of a grand adventure. Perhaps there are some of you who can relate?

In any case, I hope that some of this proves valuable/entertaining. At the very least, I hope it inspires some of you to dream of seeing parts of the world you may have never thought possible. So, the temples at Angkor Wat were amazing and completely surpassed my expectations. The largest religious structure in the world, Angkor Wat was incredibly impressive and none of these pictures of that monument, or any others will give a enough of a perspective of the sheer size or artistic majesty of the thing. It was amazing . . . even if I was dripping with sweat the entire time.

Here Pearly-Q and I are standing by one of the outer walls to the main temple, the entire perimeter of which contains friezes of the entire Ramayana, the famous Hindu epic. There's a better close up of just a small section below.

These are typical carvings found throughout Angkor Wat. They are called Apsara, or Celestial dancers:

Inside the main temple complex:

A typical Cambodian wedding outside of Angkor:

Angkor Thom:

Pearly-Q has some competition:

This little girl fell asleep in the doorway of these ruins, and in the sweltering heat. She killed me b/c she reminded SO much of the Sass!

This kiddo was enterprising and made his own hat out of leaves.

Harvesting rice:

Fishing purely Cambodia style. These use these special cylindrical baskets to trap fish in the muddy rice fields. I felt like I was in the middle of a scene from National Geographic.

Two typical grandmas in the care of their large family.

These are some pictures from a floating village of about 3000 people that all live out on Tonle Sap Lake. It is a fascinating way of life. All their homes, schools, churches, and even the local gym are located out on the lake. They use the same water for the bathroom, drinking, and fishing.

These little "boats" are a typical sight in the floating village. Notice the boy on the left--he's an amputee--something you see a lot of in Cambodia due to the overwhelming number of land mines left throughout the country since the Vietnam war.

One of the things I enjoy most about travelling now that I'm a parent is how I now notice other mothers and what it is like for them to be raising children in their own particular corners of the world. It's strange for me to think about how little I noticed of it before, but scenes like these astound me now. I can't imagine trying to raise little ones from the hull of a boat, or trying to breastfeed while bailing my boat. Whoa.

Here are some scenes from a huge field of lotuses that we came upon at sunset. Breathtaking.

Here you can see the little hut and family that live in the middle of all these lotuses:

Isn't she just the most darling little mother? She had a great connection with her two little daughters.




These are a fun thing unique to Southeast Asia: a natural pedicure. These fish like to eat dead skin. So, stick your feet in the water with them, and a 1/2 hour later--voila! Hope you're not too grossed out by my feet.

Our last day in Cambodia we got to attend church. The people there were amazing. Here's the daughter of the local congregational leader there: Chetana. Her name means "One with great purpose." I'd have to concur. She's one of the most beautiful and bright women I've ever met. Her English was impeccable!

The young women there at church:

On to China! Here a view of the unbelievable skyline of Hong Kong!

Enjoying the craziness with our new wigs:

It was SO good to be surrounded by Chinese again. I was surprised to hear so much Mandarin. I was expecting mostly Cantonese, so when I could actually understand and speak with everyone it was such an unexpected treat. Apparently people from the mainland have been emigrating to Hong Kong by the droves. No wonder.

Fish anyone?

We visited cultural center on Hainan that is similar to the PCC, but for local Chinese ethnic groups in the area. Pearly-Q enters into a surprise marriage with a local girl. Leave it to my husband to be a willing participant. None of the Chinese men would volunteer, so Pearly-Q got the privilege of doing it with language barrier and all. I could not stop laughing.

Check out these womens' feet as a result of their weaving. They've flattened out on the bottom:
Notice the traditional tatoos all over her face:

Vietnam! This beautiful woman is surprisingly an amputee. I barely noticed due to how capable she was in her work:

Scenes from the local market. . . Duck anyone?

Gorgeous produce. They eat everything so fresh.

As we found out, you can get anything custom made in Hoi An.
Halong Bay:



Sigh . . .